The ignorance of others is something that is absolutely unavoidable in the trans community. If you identify outside of your assigned sex (or, sometimes, even within it, as I have come to realise.) ignorance is almost inevitable. It is not always at the fault of the person, as many are simply not educated on queer issues, but every so often you will find someone who refuses to learn or accept or understand no matter how many times you correct or try to explain.
A few days ago, a friend of mine was telling me a story of how a cisgendered man refused to use male pronouns for said friend, no matter how many times he was asked or explained to. It is times like these when people refuse to listen or try. This is a different case when you correct someone and they slip up. Seeing someone as one gender and trying to change your mind to see a different one is a confusing and difficult process and I am honestly very appreciative of those who try their hardest to use the right pronouns, and even more so of those who have completely switched their view of me from female to male.
However, sadly, I am not here to congratulate my friends, but in fact to amend the views of those who do not know or refuse to learn.
The main argument based on ignorance that I hear is “But you have a vagina.” or “But you have a penis.”
Something I must say now and make very clear is that physical sex is not the same as gender identity. The first mistake people make when questioning a trans* person is using their genitalia as an argument. However, with that reasoning, I could say that cisgendered men whose penises are incredibly small automatically have an inflated ego to “compensate”, or that a cisgendered woman with a large vulva is sexually promiscuous. If you assume that an aspect of someone’s personality has anything to do with their genitalia then you are stereotyping. This goes for trans* individuals as well.
A good, simple counter-argument that I’ve heard is “If you lost your penis/grew a penis, would you consider yourself any less of a man/woman?” in which they may reply no and have a feeble response to in which you can easily cut down with your righteous blade of queerness, or they may say yes, to which you respond: “Why?” which could be replied with a circle argument of “Because my genitalia defines me as a person.” or a similar response. At that point, the best I, personally, could do would be to give them a doubtful look and explain to them that their mind will be no different. In their mind they will have still lived a full life of realising and understanding their gender, they just have different genitalia.
If they are bullheadedly ignorant, then they will continue to use the same argument they had been throughout the entire discussion and at that point, they are practically incurable. Of course, you could always get incredibly passionate and continue the argument until one of you crumbles, but that is up to you to decide.
Another thing I see is the assumption that because you have not physically transition that you are not yet the gender that you identify as. This is something that reduces me into a twitchy puddle of irritation. Sometimes the statement comes from innocence rather than an incapacity to understand, to which you simply explain that you do not need a surgery to define you (although perhaps you are someone who greatly yearns for such a thing, which is perfectly fine and understandable.) but for the sake of argument you could bring up the same physical sex /= gender identity as simply or detailed as required for the other to understand. However, sometimes we come, full circle, right back around to the bullheaded asshole who refuses to believe that genitalia has nothing to do with gender. Sometimes, it is simply too difficult to explain in Laymen’s terms and you can rest at “I know who I am, and if you refuse to see it then that is your problem and I am saddened by your ignorance.” and walk away with a smile.
Sometimes, the best argument is simply to not care.
